I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
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[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”