My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
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Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets