Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
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For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity