I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
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My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
No chill.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Thank you corporation very cool
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage