witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
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Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
My dog ate my work from home.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
I’m about to risk it all