If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
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You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Well. That’s not a good sign.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨