A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
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i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”