Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
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Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
when someone rings the doorbell
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Livid.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!