[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
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[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker