“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
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Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered