I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
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Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”