judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
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Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?