I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
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[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
accurate
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
“what that mouth do?” complain
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.