This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
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What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
some Old Testament wisdom
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich