The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
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My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Social Media and Real life
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.