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To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.