There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
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ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!