BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
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I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap