The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
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Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
The asteroid..
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Happy birthday to all the women
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute