I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
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Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.