Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
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What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.