grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
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Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?