My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
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I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Meow?
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
The glockness monster
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.