Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
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skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
can I use a minion as a tampon
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.