Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
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What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Yoga Matt
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.