Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
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My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Thursday
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.