The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
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[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
We found love in a hopeless place.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]