Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
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I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Pringles
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.