well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
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I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?