“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
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the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
calling in to work dehydrated
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem