Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
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Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.