My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
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Ovenable?
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Your honor these allegations are
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.