if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
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I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
nature’s most graceful animal
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.