Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
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I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Sign at work today
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.