Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
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I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
What personal space?
My dog
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
All excellent questions
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
My whole life was a lie.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.