wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
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Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.