Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
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If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.