Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
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The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it