I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
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My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
this came to me in a vision