What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
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Just in case to be clear #gbbo
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua