Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
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Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer: