On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
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Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
I’m not lazy
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally