I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
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Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.