Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
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Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I laughed at this way too hard.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.