There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
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Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Is this a threat?
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”