So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
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Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
me irl
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
12. I think about this all the damn time
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for