‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
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My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
White Castle for the Win
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT