me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
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I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals