I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
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My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Twitter is the new flypaper.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Children of the corn 🌽
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.