Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
You Might Also Like
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
When news reporters do sports stories
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
#have a #great #PancakeDay
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.